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 Short fic: CHOKE

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EmJay
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Join date : 2011-02-18

PostSubject: Short fic: CHOKE   Thu Mar 03, 2011 4:17 pm

How's this sound? It's still a bit rough. Writing


CHOKE

Lucy glanced in her rear-view mirror. It was still there. She pressed down harder on the gas pedal, but she couldn't get away from the dark, dirty thing that chased her down the road.

She sank lower in her seat as the roar echoed behind her. Why had she gone down that dirt road alone in the dark? She almost hadn't made it back... but damnit, there was no way she was going to let those jerks treat her like such a... such a girl.

She looked in the mirror again and gasped in shock as the grey-blue specter rushed up behind her car, reaching for her, stealing her air.

Lucy kicked herself. How could she have been stupid enough to drive over that big stone and broken the muffler?

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Irelandalucia



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PostSubject: Re: Short fic: CHOKE   Fri Mar 11, 2011 7:10 am

Hi Em Jay,
I liked the concept but a couple of things distracted me a little;

[but damnit, there was no way she was going to let those jerks treat her like such a... such a girl.]

This did nothing for the story and i felt was unnecessary, perhaps you could have added to the tension by more explanation of what she was feeling rather than why

hope this is of some use.
Best regards
D
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EmJay
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PostSubject: Re: Short fic: CHOKE   Fri Mar 11, 2011 9:34 am

I put that part in because I was trying to imply that she had gone somewhere scary on a dare, which was made by some guys who don't think much of her because she's just a girl. It's not really possible to include much backstory in flash fiction because you have to keep it short, but I'll look it over and see if I can re-word that a bit.

Thanks!
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