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 This story has been rejected 5 times

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InkSlinger
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InkSlinger

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Join date : 2011-02-03

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PostSubject: This story has been rejected 5 times   This story has been rejected 5 times EmptyTue Mar 01, 2011 1:33 pm

This flash fiction story has been rejected more times than anything else I've written. What do you folks think about it? Should I keep submitting it or shelve it? block

THE SNIPER

Tara lay on her belly in the bushes, waiting. She could feel the cold metal through her glove and she tried not to flex her trigger finger. Even the smallest motion could give her location away and then he'd shoot her... just like she was going to shoot him. She almost felt sorry for him as he stepped outside and started to walk over to his son. Tara tensed and licked her lips. She had to do it now before he got to the boy... she didn't want to hit the boy...

She took aim and pulled the trigger. Icy water hit her husband square in the chest and he yelled in surprise as his water pistol fell into the grass. Tara dropped the hose and ran. It was totally worth it.
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Chantal

Chantal

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This story has been rejected 5 times Empty
PostSubject: Re: This story has been rejected 5 times   This story has been rejected 5 times EmptyWed Mar 02, 2011 6:06 pm

I'd keep trying if I were you. I liked it. luck
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rkollman
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rkollman

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Location : Texas

This story has been rejected 5 times Empty
PostSubject: Re: This story has been rejected 5 times   This story has been rejected 5 times EmptyWed Mar 02, 2011 8:03 pm

I love this! Do not shelf it, please! I think a little grammar-police editing might increase the tension. Try this.

InkSlinger wrote:
block

THE SNIPER

Tara lay waited on her belly in the bushes, waiting. She could feeling the cold metal through her glove. and s She tried not to flex her trigger finger. E; even the smallest motion movement could give her location away. and t

Then he'd shoot her... just l Like she was going to shoot him.

She almost felt sorry for him. as h He stepped outside and started to walked over toward his their son.

Tara tensed and licked her lips. She had to do it now, before he got to the boy... s She didn't want to hit the boy...

She took aimed and pulled squeezed the trigger. The iIcy water blast hit her husband square in the chest. and h He yelled in surprise as his water pistol fell into the grass. Tara dropped the hose and ran.

It was totally worth it.


Seemed to work better for me if you set her up as a murdering mom.... Just my thoughts. But I really like your juxtaposition here of a mundane activity with a sniper. Just think it needs a little tweaking to rachet up the tension.

Wonderful! Thanks for posting!





bronco

rkollman
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InkSlinger
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InkSlinger

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This story has been rejected 5 times Empty
PostSubject: Re: This story has been rejected 5 times   This story has been rejected 5 times EmptyWed Mar 09, 2011 9:59 am

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

I just got this fresh rejection this morning. It seems a little weird. This story has been rejected 5 times 14304

No. Joke. The Ending feels too much like a "surprise ending," and doesn't mesh withthe dramatic build-up.
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EmJay
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EmJay

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Join date : 2011-02-18

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PostSubject: Re: This story has been rejected 5 times   This story has been rejected 5 times EmptyFri Mar 11, 2011 9:37 am

Ugh! I hate it when someone rejects or criticizes my work when they can't punctuate or spell, themselves.

What the heck does that "No. Joke." thing mean? Does he mean the twist at the end? That makes the whole story!
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